The Book of James

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 Wakey wakey eggs and bakey…

C’mon man…don’t you ever sleep?

I can sleep when I’m dead

Yeah. When you’re dead. Like god can die.

I can die

With these words James shot out from beneath the covers. 

What do you mean when you say, I can die?

Well, James (I chuckle), of course I can die. Did you think that I would live forever?

Uhhh…kinda, yeah. Kinda thought that came with the whole ‘god’ deal.

Man, I knew this was going to be hard but I honestly thought you’d get this quicker, but ok. James, for the unteenth time, I am god with a little ‘g’. I am a human typing your story. Right now I’m sitting on my laptop in San Francisco literally typing our day. You think I’m speaking at a normal rate but I’m not James, not even close! Do you know how long it takes me to type one of our conversations, James? Do ya’? Months sometimes, James, months. 

What are you saying, lee?

I am saying...let's get on with it

Ok dear Reader, the next part of this story is brought you by (insert something here). I’ve thought about monetizing James’ story, but it didn’t feel right thinking about it now. Whatever it is, I’ll talk it over with James. I’m going to run down to the mall now (I have a nice mall called the Stonestown Galleria within walking distance of me). They have a Target there and inside the Target is a Starbucks. I go there to plug-in my laptop to electricity as well as internet. I get a normal, medium coffee with 3 Sugars in the Raw and cream, and they mix it all for me. 3 dollars and some change later and I’ve a piping hot cup of coffee and my morning office is complete. I’m known there, so it’s comfortable.

Oh, I was reviewing James’ life today and I realized that I didn’t explain the jump from informing James about Us, our existence I mean, to he and I having a seemingly normal morning conversation. I went ahead and advanced the story forward a few months. 

Dear God, Reader, I just heard you say…months!! First of all, you sounded just like James when you did that. 

Second of all, your assignment here is to read. It’s, literally, right there in the title. The. Reader. The Reader. What’s not to understand?

So yes, I advanced the story along around six months, half a year let’s say. There was a lot of drooling and non-sense talk, James tried to drink himself to death for a while there. Whew! Good times. So anyway, I feel as though we’ve approached something of the ‘Acceptance’ phase of our rather quick process. I mean, just think, but a few short pages ago James didn’t even know We existed.  

I say that we engage James some more. Let me look in upon him. I’m a tad out of sorts because I’m giving the eulogy at Lenny Kravitz Memorial. Very touching. 

Anyway, let’s check in on our man.

James!

Dear God! Do you have to yell like that? You scare the shit out of me every time.  

Yeah, sorry about that. I was just wondering how you’re feeling this morning.

Hmmm…I don’t know, leeeeeee (James knows my name is just lee). What do youuuuu think (again, just a childish use of extra vowels there)? 

If I had to guess, I would go ahead and say…pissed?

Bingo! Bingo! Great job, your highness. I’m pissed. And would you like to know why?

If I say ‘no’, are you going to tell me anyway?

Of course not, master, I would respect your wishes, of course.

For real?

For real? C’mon, of course for real. I just want to see you happy.

Ok. Well. I thank you for your maturity. Truth is I’ve had one heck of a day and so, if you don’t mind, I would rather not hear all about it right n…

Pissed!? That’s what Mr. Omnipotent asks…am I pissed? Yes! I am!

Ummm…ok, I can see I’m not going to get out of this one. Why don’t you tell me why.

Why?

Yes, why? Why are you pissed? I mean you’re the Hero, so it’s clearly something to do with my writing. Makes sense, really, but I never thought that you would also become my harshest critic.

Well as your pre-eminent critic then, let me begin with a simple question. What’s the opposite of a star, oh Great Creator?

Ok, I’m so clearly walking into a trap here, but I’ve little choice but to bite, so is this like a knock-knock joke or your mama’s so fat joke where I say, I don’t know, what is the opposite of a star? Or, is this a sincere question?

No you dolt. It’s an honest question. What is the opposite of a star? I would like to know.

Ok, well, if we look at a star simplistically, we would typically describe it as a con. You have been told by your masters that you’re observing an impossibly massive slow motion explosion in space! Wow! Ok, none of that is true.

Wait! You do that all the time. You talk about something in this world as if it has nothing to do with you, as if you’re separate from it. Yet! You claim to be creator of all that is here! You say that the everything was made by you. What of these others, then? 

What of your mind, James? I know this one has bothered you. So, whose mind is it? Is it mine, James? Do you speak only because I write. You think only because I dream? 

No! You’re deflecting. You always do that. You answer a question with a riddle until I’m so wrapped up that I forgot that I even asked in the first place. No, we’re not playing the ‘whose mind is it’ game right now.

If not right now, when? You say I’m deflecting. I say you’re avoiding. I’ll make you a deal. What say you?

A deal? With you? Ohhhh…there’s a safe bet.

No, I mean it. No tricks. I promise.

Ok, so what’s the deal?

You answer my question. I’ll answer yours.

Ok Reader, how ya’ been? Ok, so, quite a pickle we find ourselves in right now. James has a big decision to make here. You see, if he acquiesces all power to me, he gives up on himself. On his right of autonomy. If he claims James for himself, well then he will likely, that’s a lie, he will certainly make his story more difficult for him. Exciting, certainly. Fraught with difficulties…yes. Now I already know what James is going to choose, but that’s just privilege of being the Author. What do you think that he is going to choose? Will he accept the offer? I’m going to stop writing for a moment, and I want you to stop reading for a moment and consider what you think James will choose.

Yeah, of course. So let’s go.

Alright, so answer my question.

No.

No?

No.

But you said that you would.

I believe you said you'll answer my question, then I’ll answer yours.

I most certainly did not!

Yes, you did.

Ha! You’re dreamin’ buddy. Besides, I can, literally, go back and look. You know this, why do you argue?

Because I know that when you’re writing you hate to stop and go back just to prove a point to me.

So you do it on purpose?

Yep.

Alright. It’s on. Hey, a word to the not-so-wise. Don’t pick a fight with the Author.

Ok Reader, though it pains me to do so, I actually am going to stop now. I do want to keep walking with James, but I think this is a good stoppage point for the receipt of prayers. Remember, James is at a nexus point here, a cross-roads of his life.  Think about how his answer will affect him.  Also, let’s come up with a really good practical joke to play on James. Pray on it.